Hard decisions to make

Right then, I have some hard decisions to make. Its all about my best friend and Truffle. When Claire asked me to be involved with her new mag I thought she was mental.  Seriously, what was she thinking? But she wanted to do it so badly and had nobody else that she could ask. Plus she knew it would be good for me to get out there and talk to people again.

I love working on it with her. Its strange for me to be working on a magazine that I don’t have total control over. To have to follow someone else’s idea of what is right and what should be done, but its actually quite freeing as well.  The people we work with are amazing in terms of getting what Claire is trying to do and I love the brand that she is building. She works so hard on it.

But this is the problem. I have other things that I’m doing with my time now. As much as I love working with her on Truffle, and like the little regular salary, I know that having me involved causes her serious problems. She has another magazine now that I’m thrilled she got hold of, its SO her its untrue. And the team she has working with her on that is amazing. I wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole but I love to hear her talk about it, she is so excited and so damned good at what she does.

I think she needs to get rid of me, for her own sake.  I will be her best friend for ever but I’m too damaging for her business to have around. She feels so protective of me that I don’t think she listens when I say to her, find someone else.

I’m not actually doing any harm, I put in 1 day a week and research, write, interview people and hang out with the design team. But that’s enough for her hard built business to be damaged. Seems wrong doesn’t it? Lucky for her that the response of most of her advertisers who have been contacted by my haters has been “huh? What the fuck has that got to do with me” but still, its horrid.

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Issue 2 is out and I love it, I think maybe what I need to do is to encourage the growth of the team and find someone who I can just hand over to and slip away without feeling as though I’m letting her down. We’ve always worked well together but she has become such a good friend to me when others have walked away that I value that more than the £ I earn from her. I love being her friend, I love her daughter and her pets and I’m as comfortable in her house as I am in my own. I know that when I get scared at 3am (on the days that I don’t have the kids) due to the fuckery of other people who think they are not bullying me, I can ring her up and say “I’m coming round, I can’t bear to be on my own any more” and that will be OK with her.

That is worth more to me than anything. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me.

Someone very clever told me once that I shouldn’t be worried about other people being hurt because of me. That if they choose to stand up and be counted on my side then that is there choice and not one that I should feel guilt about. I do try and remember that. But some days its just hard, and I forget.

Today I’m off delivering truffle magazines with Claire as well as visiting a new charity local to me that I’m volunteering at. Its time to give back to people who I don’t know. Help other kids on the days that I don’t have my kids. I’m kind of excited about this. A lot!

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