Strength

Strength. I am learning to hate that stupid word. Once more I’ve been told in exactly these words that the reason I don’t get very much support from a certain group of people is because I am strong and don’t need it. “Not many people could survive what you’ve been through, they said, we know you can cope, we know you are strong. Other people are not strong, they need us more. They would never be able to go through what you’ve been through. They are jealous of you and everything you’ve got (WTF) and its not fair for us to choose sides and be seen to be supporting you more than them because that’s not fair.”

Right. Yeah. That would be unfair. So lets just leave me here with 4 kids in a house that I can’t afford with part time work and not knowing where next months rent is going to come from shall we? Don’t feel that you need to look after me, because I am strong. Right.

So because I have strength I don’t need support? I don’t understand that.

Yes, I’m strong. I have to be. Because when I’m not strong I still don’t get support. When I fall apart and email family and friends and say “help, I Need you, I can’t do this any more” what do I get? I get nothing. OR at the very most I get a “you’ll be OK, you’re strong, everything always works out for you in the end” type of reply. I find it so hard to ask for help, I’ve asked a few times over the last few years and when people who are supposed to be close to me don’t get how hard it is for me to ask for help and then refuse to give it it nearly kills me. This is why I don’t bother asking any more. I am strong, I can do this on my own.

That time last summer when my best friend thought she had lost me, there were other people around that day. Other people in the same room as me who didn’t come over and hug me because they thought I probably needed to be on my own. Which means that they didn’t approve of me leaving my husband and couldn’t bear to offer me any support or love because he obviously needed it more. Its so fucking unfair.

So if there is someone in your life who is strong, who copes, who you think doesn’t need anyone please give them a call or a text or an email and tell them that you love them. Ask them if they need any help with anything, you might be surprised to find out that they are not as strong as you think they are.

The time for me wanting someone to help me has passed. Now I actually don’t want to share what I have with anyone. I am strong, I can do this on my own and I will be OK. I spent so long wanting people to help me, saying to my husband “I do so much for so many people and nobody does anything back for me” those days are gone. Now everything I have is put into me and my kids. And those people who support and look after me. My best friend has nothing, even less than me and yet she gives so much. I know that she would give me her last £10 if she knew I needed it more than her. When you have nothing you learn a new level of generosity. Possessions, money, mean nothign when you don’t have them. I can’t ever imagine having a savings account again. I’ve survived for so long with pennies in my bank account and relying on charity for food that I honestly can’t imagine living any other way.

But this is me, and I’m OK. And once I learn to stop hoping that other people will one day love me and support me in the way that I think they should I’ll be even better. I thought I was there, but then things are said and they break my heart, one word at a time. And no matter when I try and explain myself I end up looking like the selfish one. The one who says “love me more”, when all I’m really trying to say is “love me the amount I deserve to be loved.”  That’s all. I didn’t ever think it was too much to ask. But now I seem to think it probably is.

So here’s to being strong. For what that’s worth. All I can see is that NOT being strong gets you a lot more attention and care than being strong, but you know what? If I could go back and change my personality I don’t think I’d change myself just to make other people love me more. I’d probably choose to be exactly the same as I am now.

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