All I want for 2013 is the chance to live a normal life, without fear that every one of my actions will be watched, judged and attacked. That’s not too much to ask is it?
2011 and 2012 were bad years for me in oh so many ways. I made some huge mistakes with my business and caused a lot of heartache and anguish to a lot of people. I’m not going to try and explain what happened, or what went wrong but I have a need within me to say a few things before I say goodbye to 2012 and start 2013.
– every mistake I made was with the best intentions behind it.
– I am not a scammer. I earned less than £25,000 from the business over the 5 years that it was operating. (and put in up to 80 hours a week on it)
– I only kept going because I wanted to make things right. I had lots of staff and I wanted them to have jobs and for the magazines to be printed and read and enjoyed each month
– I had a lot of bad advice which I should not have listened to. I had a lot of good advice which I did not listen to.
At the end of the day of course what happened overall with the business was my fault, of course it was, but the perception seems to be that I was responsible for every little mistake that ever happened, and this is both wrong and unfair. There were up to 30 other full time people working in that business, who all had their own area of responsibility. I understand its easier for my ex employees to join the hate camp rather than stand up and say “actually, she didn’t do that, she was a pretty good boss” It does hurt that people who said they would never lose touch with me and that they loved their jobs and that they were thankful for the opportunity and experience very quickly turned into the people who were slagging me off and pointing the finger for everything at me. But I can see how to stand in my corner would have been certain social media death for them, to stand in the corner of the haters gave them friends, a community, a support network. And all they had to sacrifice for that was me. I can see how that was the best option, I actually really can. It still hurts though.
I can promise you that no one single person has lost more than I have over the failure of the business. I have lost my life savings, money borrowed from my family, my best friend and godmother of one of my children who no longer speaks to me, countless other friends, my self confidence, my home and my husband. You may think I deserve that, and maybe I do, that’s not really the point though. I’m still struggling with depression, with being on my own with my kids (although it was my choice to leave my husband) I’m still nervous about my future but I am determined that I will be OK. I owe that to the 4 little people who wake up every day and expect me to have food for them and a house for them to live in.
What I want to do this year is to get a proper job that is nothing to do with publishing or magazines. I have applied for lots and will continue to do so. A small office job where I can go in 9 – 5 and earn enough money to put food on the table for my kids is enough for me. That’s what I want. And then in addition I will carry on doing the freelancing that I’ve picked up over the past few months. I’m working for 3/4 different small companies designing brochures and writing copy for them. Its not enough to support the 5 of us full time but its enjoyable.
I would love to ask everyone who is still hating, harrassing, and stalking the internet for any sign of me to please stop, and leave me alone. I am never going to own and run a large multi million pound company again, ever. I fully expect to hear from companies house at some point this year (they are not quick!) and to be told I am banned from being a director of a ltd company again but even if that doesn’t happen I will never put myself in that position again. I was not good at that aspect of it. I know that. However, I was good at lots of other things and I refuse to forget my strengths. I will admit my weaknesses, definitely, but I do have strengths and I’m sick of feeling ashamed of being me.
I have beliefs that I’m struggling to connect with at the moment but at the very core of me I know that its not going to help me to give into the depression any more. My children may never know how close they were to losing their mum over the summer / autumn this year. It scares me when I think about it. I’m not going to go there again.
So, lets close off 2012 with an apology, a plea and a promise.
I am truly sorry for all of the mistakes I made when running the business. I honestly never meant to hurt anyone and everything I did was in good faith that it would be OK in the end. I wish I could go back and change the past but I can’t. I can promise you all that what happened will never happen again and that I will never put myself in that position again. I barely survived this and I will not let it happen again. From now on I will be working for other people and for myself, never running a company.
Please can you all respect this and leave me alone. If you want to bring all the hate and negativity into 2013 with you of course that is your choice but I am leaving it behind. It serves no purpose to hold on to hate, to look for reasons to be shocked and horrified. I know my life will be much better if you let all the aggression and bullying stop, and I truly believe yours will too. I’m not asking you to like me, or agree with me but just to leave me alone and let me support my family without fear.