Right then – weekly mental health check.
I don’t understand how I can be feeling both more in control than I was last week and yet at the same time more helpless. There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and I am having problems separating what is a result of the depression and what is a result of the separation. Or what might be a result of either of them, because really – who knows?
I’m learning to accept that all of my feelings are part of me and can’t necessarily be extracted and divided into neat little packages.
I’m learning that I have a choice in whether I ask other people for help or manage everything myself.
I’m learning that the words I use, and the way that I communicate sometimes doesn’t come across in the way that I think it will.
Sometimes I wonder if I spend enough time thinking and other times I worry that I don’t spend enough time thinking. There are days when just existing is hard. When I get up, do what I need to do and go to bed at the end of the night feeling happy that I’ve made it though the day. These tend to be the days when the kids are not with me.
The nightmares have been hard for me this week. I had a lot of problems sleeping when I first moved out but then feel as though I had settled into a routine. Now I don’t want to go to bed because I’m scared of having the nightmares but I am so tired all the time due to the fact that I am waking up on average 3 or 4 times a night. The cold I’ve picked up from the kids and general time of the month doesn’t help either, I’m shattered.
10 days ago I didn’t think that anything that was going to happen over the next few weeks could hurt me. I was wrong. The conversation with hubby last week in the car when I asked him a question and received an honest answer has hurt me more than I was ever prepared for. I partly wish I hadn’t asked him but I really do appreciate his honesty. I wasn’t mentally prepared for the answer to the question or for the impact that it would have on me. I’ve taken a bit of a mental knock and its been a great week for me to have had the kids here with me more and to have so many guests around. I think that if I’d have had such a knock and then been on my own that I would have coped in a much worse way.
Realising how hurt I’ve been this week has been a good shock. I have been very used to not feeling very much at all that knowing that I can feel such strong emotions is good. I’d prefer to be feeling strong POSITIVE emotions but at the moment I’ll take anything. I’m not feeling numb, I’m actually feeling hurt. That is progress.
I’ve done a lot of reading into depression this last week as well and am determined to do my bit to raise the awareness and try and get over the stigma. I want to talk to hubby about the possibility of talking to our kids about depression at some point, I think our eldest would understand. I don’t want it to be something that I hide from the kids or make them feel ashamed of – if we want them to grow up to be people who are understanding of people with depression and who talk about their feelings openly then I think this is something we need to be open about. I’m not totally sure how though.
So – summary. This week has been hard and I’ve hurt more than I have in a long while. Also a different kind of hurt, this week I’ve been hurt because of something someone else has done to me. Over the last couple of months I’ve felt hurt over what I’ve done to hubby. Although there have been some really positive parts of this week, from a mental health point of view I’d give it a 4/10.