A letter to me on my 21st birthday, written by 36 year old me.

Hello younger me.

Remember that dream you had last night, where you were so so sad and someone was sitting at the bottom of your bed talking to you and telling you how everything was going to be OK?  Remember how you felt when you woke up and realised it was a dream and that no-one was actually there for you?  Please don’t worry, I wish so much that I could have reached out and hugged you instead of just being there in your dream but that’s not how it works.  I didn’t remember the dream until recently when I experienced it from the other side, that person in your dream was me, or rather you, at aged 36.

I know that you are in a really bad place at the moment, its your 21st birthday and instead of waking up in your gorgeous flat in Islington with your boyfriend, cards, presents and phone calls from family and friends you have woken up in West London, in a small flat belonging to one of the guys at work while he is away on business.  None of your family or friends know where you are, they don’t realise that you have left your boyfriend because you haven’t told anyone.  I know you think that you haven’t told anyone because its too painful but lets be honest, you haven’t told anyone because deep down you know you’re going to go back to him.   You’re not ready to leave him yet, you’re not strong enough to do it but you’ve done an amazing thing in making this first step.  I promise you everything will be OK, I know you don’t believe me, but it really will.

You do have people who care about you.  One of the good things about being the only girl in an office full of boys is that you have the equivalent of 9 big brothers looking out for you right now.  They are all so worried about you and over the next few weeks you will see how much they care.  When R is back from Germany they’ll find you somewhere else to stay and when you eventually move back in with your boyfriend they won’t judge you, but they will be there for you again the next time you leave him, because there will be a next time and next time you’ll be strong enough to make it a permenant split.  You’ll have plenty of people to help you pack and move and to take you to lunch, buy you dinner and generally look after you until you’re strong enough to stand on your own too feet, you don’t realise now how much they care, but they really do.

I know that you don’t think you have anything worth living for but you do get over this (I promise you) and although the next few months are far far harder than you can imagine you end up so much stronger for it.  You need to get out of bed now and get ready for work.  2 very big things happen to you this morning on the way to work and you need to get through them.  The second one will change your life in ways that you can’t imagine right now. Trust me. Just go with it and be open minded this morning, you’re going to need to be.

I love you. Remember that, OK?

PS – don’t keep stressing over the medical issues. If you only knew what I know you would stop worrying about it now. You’ve got bigger fish to fry at the moment.  Be strong, you can do it.  You can do anything. xx

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