In the middle of the night..

In the middle of the night when it is dark and I am awake, laying looking at the ceiling, wondering whether I will ever sleep again, wondering whether I will ever be happy again, whether life will become simple and the pace will slow down enough for me to pause, look in the mirror and feel at peace with the world.

In the middle of the night, this is when I think of you. Of the shape of your face, of your hands.  The way you look at me, the sound of your voice.

This is my private time, when I can imagine how it would feel if you loved me in the same way that I loved you. When I can be alone with my thoughts, my dreams, my crush.

In the middle of the night, this is when I own  you. When I pretend you are mine, that you belong to me. That you exist solely to make me happy, to make me smile, to kiss and touch me, to make me melt into your arms and feel safe and protected.

This is my time. When I am not me, when I am someone else, someone better than me.  Someone who deserves to be loved and who IS loved.

In the middle of the night, you love me.  You do not think of me as a friend, as someone who can help you with your problems, who you can phone up and chat to about your kids, your wife. You love me.  You want me as much as I want you and we are together and we are happy.

You are here with me, even in my imagination, if I close my eyes tightly enough I can sense you next to me. I can smell the warmth of you and I can hear you breathing next to me. I know that if I reach out with my hands I will be able to touch you, to feel your body.

In the middle of the night, this is when I need you the most. I am at my most vulnerable, I am lost and alone and hopelessly in love with you. I long to feel your hands on my breasts, your breath on my neck as you kiss me, as you love me.

I would give anything for you to be here with me now, instead of in your own bed, with your own family. I need you more than they do. The crush I have on you is huge, its bigger than either you or I and it won’t be happy until you are with me.

But I know this is not going to happen. I know that soon, the middle of the night will pass and it will be daylight. And then once it is daylight I will have to get out of bed and leave you behind in my dreams. Today might be the day that you text me, or send me an email. If I am really lucky you will phone me, or I may see you in the playground.

In the middle of the night you are my lover. I do not care about your wife and children, I want you to be mine and that is all that matters. In the daylight you are my friend, and your wife is my friend. I am lucky to have both sides of you, but I am always left wanting more.

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