Its been over a month now. Many people seem to think that should be long enough to grieve for the loss, I’m not sure I agree with them. The outpouring of hate towards me is slowing down but it is still there. I’ve deleted my facebook and twitter accounts and not been on any forums for weeks, maybe even months but it still filters through to me. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, or that I don’t want to react to the lies that I see out there but I’m learning (with help) to deal with it.
I’ve always been prepared to admit I made mistakes. I had hoped and hoped that I’d still be able to be involved in the magazines in whatever format they took moving forwards but that has proven to be not possible over the last 2 weeks.
That’s OK. I’m good with it now. I’ve done my bit with the 2 sets of new owners, passed over all the information that is in my head that they would need, advised and recommended and made offers to staff on their behalf, and now I do believe that all magazines are in the best possible hands. I’m pleased that many members of staff have still got jobs on the magazines. Pleased that my mum and sister are amongst them. Disappointed that some others haven’t been offered jobs on the magazines and not entirely behind all of the staffing decisions that have been made by the new owners but on the whole, pleased with the outcome. I miss it, a lot but I’d be stupid to continue with it – I may be many things but I’m not stupid.
But life goes on. I have my family and my health, but not very much else to be honest. I’ve lost friends over this, good friends who had told me that they would never let work get in the way of our friendship but I’ve learned to understand that this is the way it has to be and I’m working through the grieving process.
So, yes, life goes on. I have set up a new company and will be starting work full time on that from today. It’s a gamble but one that is not connected to the craft world at all. I’m both excited and nervous about how it will turn out. But to be honest based on the 60 hours a week work for £500 a month salary that I earned it cant be any worse than that, can it?! There are a number of options I’m working on and when each project is finished and out there I may talk about it, but not before. I know that I will find it hard to trust people again and need to find a balance between open and trusting Kerrie who has been kicked in the teeth a few too many times and the current Kerrie who eyes everyone with suspicion and dislike. I will find balance, but it will take time.
My new life starts here, today. New phone number, new email address, no more FB or twitter – from now on I will only talk to people I want to talk to. I’m not prepared to give up the blog although I know that every word I write will be poured over and analysed by my haters, I’ve missed having a space to write about my feelings. I’ve blogged for over 10 years I think, too much to give up for people who are not worth it. My old life ended yesterday when I reported an ex employee and friend to the police for blackmail and harassment. Not something I thought I’d ever have to do but I’ve taken a LOT of personal attacks over the last 6 months without reacting and now enough is enough. There are still crowds of people out there waiting for me to fail but they won’t get what they want, not any more.
Comments will remain moderated on here, if you don’t have anything nice to say then go and say it somewhere else. There are plenty of places out there to fuel negativity and this is not going to be one of them.